Life and Death and the Whole Damn Thing.

A year ago today, I was watching my mother die. The contrast of spring bringing forth new life everywhere outside of our little room of death (I am eternally grateful for hospice) was almost cruel, but at the same time strangely soothing.

My mother had suffered the previous three years from a blood disorder, breast cancer, and the final frosting on the cake of decline,  Alzheimer’s Disease.

I can’t tell you how difficult this ending of my mother’s life was for her, myself and my family (she did not “go gently into that good night”) it is almost too painful to recall, yet my mind keeps recalling it, sometimes blind siding me out of nowhere, like when I’m standing in the check out line at the grocery store.

My mom was a strongly opinionated, stubborn, feisty, funny, loving woman and I miss her terribly. When my sis-in-law said goodbye to her for the last time (my mom was barely lucid towards the last) it was with a “See ya later alligator” not expecting a reply, my sis-in-law was a few steps down the hallway when she heard my mom respond with “After awhile crocodile.”

At my mom’s funeral, a fierce, swirling gust of wind arose out of nowhere (it had been a warm day without a breeze just moments before, and returned to such after) it blew the flowers over and surprised us all standing around her grave site. A message from Mom? I don’t know, but It would have been so like her to let us know that she wasn’t too happy about having to go before she was ready.

My mom loved roses and she was always growing and tending to them. She was in a constant battle with the deer in her neighborhood and her rose bushes had wire fencing wrapped around them to keep the critters out , they looked like little rose bush prisoners. When I returned for a visit a few months after mom’s funeral, the cold weather had arrived. The roses were all gone, except one brilliant beautiful flower that had escaped its confines and grown unusually tall. It is tempting to want to see this as a sign from my mom that all was well, a beautiful reminder of a life well lived, free now from the bondage of life’s wire cage….so that is how I choose to see it. So Mom, I love you and I miss you, and I’ll see you….
after awhile crocodile.2014-11-16 10.19.06

If you would like to donate to a worthy cause to help find solutions to Alzheimers: http://www.alz.org/join_the_cause_donate.asp

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A Pretty Good Day So Far

Here we are, October already. In Northern California on the edge of the world, (or at least it would seem that way if you didn’t know the world was round) its a beautiful sunny, blue sky day. In other parts of the globe there are problems galore, we are all aware of what they are, but here in this moment, on this day, in this place things are pretty good. Thanks Universe.

end of the worldapplessunflowers close roof ravenphantom of the opera feed the ducks here fence heart art rail road cross spiral seaweed virg woolf quote

Digital Pulp

I have a certain fondness for old trashy paper back book covers in the category known as “Pulp Fiction“. That is why when I discovered a website that allows a person to create their own pulp fiction art (can go on coffee mugs and other stuff) I was in nerd heaven. 

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At Pulp-O-Mizer you can make your self into a space pirate princess swinging through the Cosmos…what’s not to love! While you are there don’t forget to read some of the “Thrilling Tales of the Downright Unusual” and check out Cornelius Zappencrackler’s Derange-O-Lab.

Here are a few of the glorious pulp fiction covers hot off my own bookshelf.

ERBthebodyDevil to payscorpioyoungphilStreetcar

Aren’t these great? I just love the titillating sensationalism inviting you to dive in and have a voyeuristic adventure via some pretty heavy hitting authors to boot…all for around 40 cents!  

Until next time…enjoy the adventure we call Life!

What, Me Worry?

alfred_e_neuman

When I was a kid I was a big MAD Magazine fan. It was my gateway vehicle to parody, it tackled some of my embedded middle class beliefs and made relentless fun of them.  Everything was fair game. Sometimes, I felt like I was going against the rules by even looking at it. The only reason my parents allowed this subversive publication in our house was probably because they thought it was just a silly comic book. Well, it was sort of, and therein lied its brilliance!  It’s goofy glossy covers looked harmless enough, but MAD’s highly visual content opened my eyes to  life’s absurdities, allowing me to laugh at, well….. anything (even my beloved Disney movies). MAD’s iconic mascot,  Afred E. Neuman  with his slogan “What, Me Worry” has stayed with me my entire life. Sort of a way to say “In yo face life! I’ve got this.”

Recent events have shaken my belief in my “I’ve got this!” ability.  The worst of which was my mother’s death due to  a horrible disease called Alzheimers. Her decline and suffering shook my family to its core. It  swept me up into a tornado of emotions that I am still trying to sort out. In addition, my adult sons are having their own life issues that I can’t solve for them, though I desperately want to. The simple act of scrolling my Facebook page confronts me with a world reeling from violence, chaos and stupidity, OK there’s plenty of dog videos and Weird Al,  which of course makes the scrolling worthwhile ;).

The point is, what I’m finding more and more of  in my life is something that could be slowly killing us all, and that is STRESS. Did you know that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in America? There is a medical term for it, GAD it stands for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Wikipedia defines it as: “a mood disorder that is characterized by multiple and or non specific worries that interfere with a person’s life in some way.” When we can’t control things the way we want to, we worry about it. I think that is why I love story books so much, fictional characters go through their own conflicts, stumbling and bumbling along, they learn as they go. Some end happily ever after, and I have to admit, I like those endings the best. Fictional characters can be controlled, I like that too. At the end of a scary thriller we can always close the book and tell ourselves it was just a story.

What can we tell ourselves to help us through our own story, when the tornado  comes from out of nowhere,  rips us off our feet, carries us away and sets us down who knows where? What do we tell ourselves to help keep us sane in what seems many times to be an insane world, a world we can’t control? I don’t have any answers, except maybe to keep reading the stories,  keep creating, love each other, laugh at ourselves, and remember what Alfred E. Neuman would say…”What, Me Worry?”

The Benefits of Shrugging

02/24/2013change

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    Recently, I watched one of those television nature shows about lions. One scene showed a mid-sized elephant being taken down by 5 or 6 full sized lions. The elephant was clearly overwhelmed, she was wobbling and showing signs of fatigue. “You can see it in her eyes, She has given up” said the announcer as she dropped to her knees. There were slashes all over her back. It’s Sad she won’t make it I thought– the cruelty of nature– the lions must eat I suppose, but still…then out of nowhere the elephant started to rise, she sort of shrugged and 3 lions fell off, she kept on shrugging, and voila she was free, the lions gave up and she escaped. 

    What?!   She escaped by shrugging off her attackers! OK they were elephant sized shrugs but still. There was a point when that elephant must have thought she just wanted those lions off her back once and for all. She could have given up as the announcer said, just laid down and let those lions take her out but no, she gave a mighty shrug and she saved herself.


    We all have  lions on our backs sometimes don’t we?… be it money woes, family issues,  self doubt, depression, anxiety,  they can be hazardous to our health.  Let’s all take a lesson from that elephant and shrug those suckers off.  Keep shrugging and carry on. Life will be lighter without carrying all that stuff on our backs. It might give us the ability to heal what needs healing. And if they try to get back on, don’t let them!


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Aliens On My Mind

  

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    I’ve been feeling a little like a stranger in a strange land lately. It might be because school has started and I’m back to work at the XYZ Charter High School (name has been changed to protect the innocent.) We are in a new location this year, I’m working with a new teacher, and some new kids too.They are all such interesting, intelligent, creative beings trying to discover  how they fit into this world. Some are sure that they know where they will be 5 years from now, others don’t have a clue (I can relate more to this group.) I’m STILL searching all these many years myself;  The thing that I have come to realize is that I so enjoy the search that I am a little afraid the destination might be a let down!


    Anyway, with the feeling of being a little on the “outs” with the rest of my peers, and maybe because the Mars Rover is in the news, my cranium seems to be filled with thoughts of aliens. Sketches, stories,and images of an alien nature, keep hovering around the edges of my subconscious.


     What does this mean? I’m not sure, but maybe it’s worth exploring!


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    “How would it be if we discovered
    that aliens only stopped by earth
    to let thier kids take a leak?”—-Jay Leno